Par Stephen LAUTENS
Everyone and their dog has by now heard of the schoolbook written by Le Conseil de la Souverainete du Quebec and published by Les Intouchables.
The proposed "teaching book" is called Lets Talk About Sovereignty at School, and includes such helpful lessons for children as how to draw a Canadian flag ripped in half.

It also has helpful math problems for older children, such as calculating how much money is wasted by federal "intrusions" into Quebec jurisdictions, or how many books could they buy with Quebec's contribution to the Governor General's upkeep.

The author felt there was a need for this kind of book in Quebec because of the and sneaky and subtle "campaign of fear" perpetuated by the anglophone-dominated media, like me.

Just to prove there are no hard feelings, I thought I'd help out the Intouchables with a few school exercises they could put in their next edition.
* Make your own passport out of construction paper. If Quebec separates, you'll need it.

* Explain in an essay why you don't feel at home in Canada, even though we've had prime ministers who come from Quebec for 37 of the past 38 years.
* Invent a time machine (advanced science students only) and go back to the wonderful days of New France before the damned English arrived, when Quebec consisted of unlucky peasants ruled by a few bitter French nobles.

As a serf you were property, but at least you were French property.

* Describe the deep bitterness, resentment and shame Bloc Quebecois members of Parliament feel every time they cash their big, fat federal paycheques.

* As an ethics exercise, argue how it is morally justified for a publisher of separatist literature -- like Les Intouchables -- to accept funding from the Canada Council.

Bonus points for doing it with a straight face.

* Explain how Quebec has the right to leave Canada, but English Montreal and the First Nations don't have the right to leave Quebec.

Extra marks given for rationalizations and mental gymnastics.

* For second graders, a colouring exercise -- draw horns and tails on portraits of Canadian prime ministers.

Don't forget the wavy stink lines around Mackenzie King for introducing conscription.

* For theology students, cite at least three Bible references that refer to the maple leaf as the mark of the beast.

* Write an essay about what a cheater Wolfe was by sneaking up the cliff at Quebec City, and how Montcalm would have won at the Plains of Abraham if it had been a fair fight.

Extra marks for mentioning that Montcalm was a much better dresser and had the cool middle name "Gozon."

* Make a list of all the good things you get from being Canadian, and then explain how each of them oppresses you.

List all the problems in Quebec, and then explain how each one is Canada's fault.

* In the tradition of the Just For Laughs (Juste Pour Rire) Festival in Montreal, practise your stand-up comedy by asking: "How many separatists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Answer: "As many as a federal grant will pay for."